I think I am at a loss for word.

I guess the best word for now is confusion?

I am so confuse... But why should I be? What am I confuse about? I don't even know. Maybe we are getting closer again. I am not even sure if that is good or bad. But seriously, Why? If I ask you to stay with me, would you?

Like Amy, I think I hate driving at night simply because the roads are hard to see sometimes.


I think I need to play games. uhh...I also ran out of snacks, so I think I need to go food shopping with someone sooon..

I know someone that you really love and dear to you is going to leave you soon. I really can't say anything nor will I say anything but I am here for you if you really need me to talk to? I got your back bitch! heh =P jk. Just stay strong and yeah.

Some people really need to stay out of other people business.

LA

I just came back from LA, my first time ever. It was fun and fun and fun and excited! Too bad it ended early =[. And I am glad I am able to go with Elam. We pigged out hella food but we didn't care. Yes, we mostly ate. They have really good food there too. If you wanna know more just ask me about the trip because I am hella lazy to type what happen there haha








I definitely regret going on this trip.

Distant Worlds

OMG! It is such a long ass day and night for me that is. Let start from what happen yesterday!

SO yesterday I was suppose to go to watch Harry Potter, but then when I got there, the seats were crap so my cousin and brother decide to refund the money and not watch it. After that we went to dessert and yeah. When I got home I was already dead tired. Ivan called me first but didn't pick up then Heidi called but i also missed it. SO i called Heidi back and we had a 4-way talk with me, Ivan, Heidi, and Renee. Somehow they got me to go out. So Ivan picked me up first then Heidi then Renee. We went to dessert (I swear I am always eating doubles). We talked and laughed our ass off for the longest time mainly it was 3-1 kinda talk hahaha. Afterward we dropped Renee off and by that point I was pretty much KO'ed. Once we got to Heidi house I kinda know whats up and by saying that I mean we weren't gonna just end it right there LOL. So Ivan me and Heidi stayed out of her house and talk for 2 hours MY GOD. I didn't get home until 3:30 ish and I had work at 8. GG.

So today at work, I was pretty much KO'ed. I had the hardest time ever just to keep my eyes open for 11 hours strait. shit. After that I had a concert to go to which is a pic I provided. I went to this symphony concert thing for Final Fantasy. For the longest time I was debating if I should dress up or not. Thank god I did because when I arrived there 8 out of 10 ppl dressed up and all the people around me dressed up. SO yeah. The concert was so awesome. I get to see Nobuo Uematsu. He was so awesome. Once he came out, the whole entire audience literally stand up and start cheering and clapping including me. That is how amazing he is! Anyhow I am glad I went to the concert because it was really that good and great. During the break, I saw people coming back with CD and I was like WTF. Where is MY copy. So I asked my cousin if he wanted to buy one and he said he wanted to so I made him go with me to get the CD but as we are going down, people are rushing back into the seats so I was like OH NO! it is starting so we turn back and ran back into our seats but it turned out that they didn't start. SO after the concert, there were TONs of people but I want the CD so bad so I lined up for it. It's a really short wait though. But it was hella crowded.

I really don't know what to say or do anymore. Why don't you initiate? Why does it always feel like I always have to be the one that do everything. so does it mean you would sacrifice me for anything that you want? Seriously though, where do you try? Do you even care? I can't tell if you care or not anymore. Will you let me know what is going on?

Lost?

Why is this happening all again? I got really confuse tonight. Like she said, that person is just a kid. I really want to push it and see how far it goes but then I didn't. Why did I not do it? I was afraid. but wtf am I to you? Do you only talk to me when you feel like it? Questions were definitely running through my head though I know I shouldn't ask. Perhaps I am too afraid to ask. I really miss our old times being and hanging out together. Why Why Why Why Why do this have to happen? I hate it. It's been so long since I felt this way. Perhaps I really did gave up on you. AHHHHHHH it came back. confusion is winning over my head. It's been so long since we talk like this. I just wished that things didn't happen the way they did.

How am I even going to help people if I can't even deal with my shit properly. I hate this feeling of going back and forth as if you are playing a game with me. Maybe in the future we will cross path again when I transfer. Until then, I will take this as light as possible and let it flow like the ocean. You are driving me insane.

Stay With Me.

Flow

So today I didn't do anything much but eating. I woke up by a text and then later on I decide to go get some breakfast on Irving. I got a viet sandwich and I was gonna go get myself some ja lurng but too bad the stupid store was closed. Later on then Ivan called me and he wanted to chill so I said yes but I was hesitant because I was lazy to drive all the way there. Later on Eric got off class early and then I was like WTF if I known he was gonna get off early then I would not have agree to meet up with Ivan. Now that I thought about it I feel bad for leaving Ivan like that but then I guess I already decided my day with Eric so I went with whoever booked me first. Somehow I felt a little bit overwhelm with all these people hanging out with so little time limit.

After meeting up Eric we went to eat at Chipotle (i think that is how you spell it). Then I got a chicken bowl. Too me I think it's alright, it is not as good as Xiao and Eric describe but it's also not bad. After that we stop by AP park and Eric shot some balls. Then we head out to Eggettes, and thats when we bumped into Nora and Ann. After a short stay, we picked up Amy and decide to eat again. Fatass. we stop by stones and walked around and we bumped into Aimee and Andy. We went to cliff house and there I saw a beautiful view of the ocean. That is the end of the day.

Wouldn't be great if our life can flow how the ocean flow? Seeing how the wave move so freely make me wish I can move my life so freely. Too bad it won't happen.

Sometime it is better to not get involve but what would you do if you are suddenly being put in the middle? What would you also do if you don't want to be bias but you are closer to one than the other? So much drama with so much shit on the line.

Tell me what do you want?

Holding on too hard?

Lets see I am coming back out of retirement from blogging! (Yeah right), And I haven't blog for so long because I don't know. Lets just have a recap of what I did today and then I'll go talk about something more deep.

I went out to eat in the morning with my cousin and brother after that I went to George house to help him move some stuff to downstairs. I fell while bringing down a chair because his stairs is slippery. At least its not a major fall haha. After that I went to eat with him at Banana Island and had a guava juice though it doesn't taste like guava at all. Then I went home and sleep for 2 hours? and went back out with Hiu Ma and Heidi. =D. We went to Japantown and ate and after that we went to another dessert place and it was awesome! We talked and laugh for hours LOL. Mainly stupid shits.

Sometimes I am wondering if I am holding on too hard? Perhaps I am. But is letting go the only options to ease the tension? What is the point of any relationship if you are solely the only one who is trying? Doesn't relationship takes 2 people to try? So what the hell am I doing if I feel like I am the only one who is trying? I feel like you are not there sometimes. Maybe in your point of view you are trying but I don't feel it. Should I give up? If I can be this fuck up and selfish then I can sure as hell drop everything since the very beginning. As I stated earlier (way back in my old blogs) trust is the basic foundation of every relationship. So why are we still what we are if you lost trust in me and vice-versa? People are so hard to tell sometimes and they can't be considerate of how others feel or what they really want. They only think about themselves and if shit doesn't go their way, all hell will break loose. What kind of this fucking friendship is this? I can't stand how everything must go your and if it doesn't then it's the end of the world. DUN DUN DUN (whatever).

What do I really want from you? I just want us to be normal again. As we are talking again I feel like I am getting attached to you. I don't want the same shit to happen again. I don't want to be what it was on 06/03. I really do feel like giving up at times. After all this time I am not sure what I am to you. I wouldn't say you didn't try but I guess I tried more than you. And for sure as hell I don't want us to end up and become like someone (we both know). Sometimes you just have to understand where the frustration comes from especially when I take most of the initiative. I am not saying you didn't but yeah. What happen to being equal? I hate going back and forth. To be honest, I am not someone who you can just leave me there and pick me up again when you feel like it. Don't you think it's already too late to try now? This is not a game where you can reset if you made a mistake. This is a mistake that will stay with you no matter how hard you want to erase it. No matter what happens though I will still be here for you, and for sure, you know I've been there for you in the past, still will, and will be this way. Perhaps I am holding on too hard and you are holding on too soft. That is where we lose our balance.

I think I am going to give up on my friend and just let him go what way he does. I am not going to be selfish and be like you can't go out with such and such cuz it is really none of my business. Though I will stay there for him and listen to what he have to say whenever he needs me. And I will try my best to guide that stupid brainless friend of mine to the right path. Whether he takes it or not I hope he can choose the right one.

If there is one thing you can choose to happen in the future, what would it be?

Thanks

Thank you so much for driving me. I knew I can count on you that is why you were the first person that came on to my mind....

After I got picked up from pool I went to IN N OUT and we ate in the car and talk. We talk and talk for almost like an hour and its great catching up with you. Too bad we will have less class this semester and see each other less. I am glad I am still in touch with you! I don't know if you read this or not but I hope you don't. =X. Whatever you are going through right now, I hope you made the right path and if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here!

I don't know what went wrong at POOL but I certainly wish you would have talked with us.

2nd day of Raymond Lam's concert and I really wish right now I was there. To get his autograph CD. I really want it. I wonder if people would sell it on EBAY. I would pay a 100 bucks for it. I feel sad now when I know I didnt go. I just want to escape and see someone I really admire.